"Emma you seem completely fine... you just need to relax.." :-)

 We all know that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder last year. I keep up appearances when I can, do my best to attend social functions and pursue my music career and do my best to stay motivated. However sometimes the facade is too tiring and I cannot be bothered to keep up appearances with people or the world and these are the days that I usually stay in bed or stay at home. It really made me think when a friend of mine said to me "In my opinion there is nothing wrong with you Emma.. it is all in your head". Well... exactly. Haha. Please do not assume that I enjoy all the problems that I suffer and enjoy saying there is something "wrong with me" but that is just the truth. I will always battle with issues but my aim is to help others and to help myself try to achieve something that is called "happiness". I would like to really explain some of the things I go through on a weekly basis for two reasons. One: To try to stamp out the stigma out there that people with this disorder are dangerous maniacs and don't know how to show empathy :-) and 2) To help others realise they are not alone and perhaps to make myself feel a bit better as I have had a hard two days. ;-) 

 Here are the symptoms you can find online:

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms 

For me personally I don't really relate to the first bullet point. Most borderlines do. I think through my years of rejection from my Father.. abusive boyfriends, bullying at school, etc I have built up such a strong defense mechanism to tell myself that "I do not need anyone and don't want anyone" so I avoid being attached to people rather than avoid them leaving me. On the other hand perhaps my issues are so deep that I fear abandonment so much that I built up this defense mechanism. I am not sure. I am still finding out. ;-)

Bullet point two. Unstable relationships and friendships. Indeed. I am the sort of person that seeks excitement and I do not like being bored. When I am in a relationship with someone or in a friendship with someone (it sounds awful) I sometimes get bored easily and turn off of them quite easily. I think I fall for someone but then suddenly I change my opinion of them and they just irritate me. Exactly what it says - changing from seeing you as my idol to seeing you as nothing. Obviously this doesn't happen all the time but I have been known to think this way. Why? I have no idea.

Identity disturbance - This is a big one for me. I believe I have body dysmorphia also. I am very overweight at the moment and currently on a diet program to lose around 8 stone. I have not always been overweight. When I was "thinner" I was much happier and more confident and didn't feel like the world was looking at the "fat ugly girl" walking down the street. For me it is the end of the world.. which stops me from going to functions and meeting up with people. I get panicky and can't look someone in the eye easily because I feel so disgusting on my bad days. Yesterday was one of these days. I woke up and looked in the mirror and I felt disgust. I looked at myself and literally looked twice the size as I did the day before. My eyes weren't straight, my cheeks were huge, everything unattractive and I'm a piece of shit. I just want to be beautiful is that too much to ask? I am not... yet there are some days where I look at the webcam pictures I've taken of myself and I think damn... I am attractive.. but isn't it a lie? All angles ? I don't know. I find it very difficult to know who I am and how I should act around certain people. Sometimes convinced that people will notice there is something wrong with me. These are the days that my head spins, I get paranoid and don't want to leave the house. I am still in that frame mind today but it's better than yesterday. I saw a therapist this morning and he said he has never met someone who is as hard on themselves as I am on myself. However last week I was feeling great, focused on music, focused on the diet program and looking good... feeling attractive and then BAM. Yep there ya go.

Impulsivity - Drinking too much, spending too much money without thinking about it, etc etc. Been prone to that too.

Suicidal Behaviors  - In the past very much so. I currently do not self harm anymore and help lots of people to recover online by sharing my experiences but when I was in my teens I would do it about 12x a day at my worst point.

Emotional Instability - Of course. I can be in a dream like state and feel very odd then a few days later be terribly irritable and pissed off at everybody and everything which tends to go alongside depression and feeling bad about myself. It is not the world I am angry with, it is the stuff that is going on inside my head that makes me stressed and irritable mainly. I just tend to blame everybody else instead. It makes me feel better. Ha! My mother today said when I asked her "is it like living with two different people"? she answered "No". I thought that was odd because for me I feel like two different people sometimes with the different shifts of perception and moods. She said that is the problem - people don't notice these shifts... they only notice your behavior and the way you act i.e if I'm being unpleasant suddenly for no reason, why I won't go to work, why I cheat on my diet, etc. I'm just seen as being a pain in the ass sometimes not that my mind and moods have shifted. I thought it was more obvious. Perhaps I hide it well.

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness - I've said this for years. No matter what I do or where I am, 90% of the time I have a feeling of a hole inside of me. I try to fill it with drink, relationships or previously doing very crazy stuff when I was younger (not going to discuss that here) or binge eating and drinking does fill it actually. For some reason only negative things can fill this void not positive things like my music. Again I am not sure why. I guess when I am in need of wanting to fill this void I don't want to do anything good for myself? Not sure. I really don't know.

Inappropriate displays of anger - Again going back to emotional instability... in the past I have had physical fights with people when I was younger though... long time ago not anymore and have been prone to taking a lot of rubbish from somebody and then snapping and being very nasty but not so much nowadays. I tend to just cut someone off to deal with it as I know that being nasty to someone is not nice and I should do my best to help others not be against others. ;-) 

Paranoid Thoughts - Sometimes. Usually after a horror movie. Dissociative feelings? Yeah.. like I'm watching the world go by from some sort of bubble. Not sure.


Now see....after reading all of that you are probably thinking - damn, there is a lot that goes inside her head.

However if you didn't know this about me you wouldn't know any of this was going on. That is the beauty of it. Sufferer in silence? Not anymore. I am doing the best to get the correct therapies advised and do my best to focus on my career and plans and to fulfill all of my plans I wrote about in my first every blog titled "An insight into who I am".

Amy Winehouse had the same disorder as me. Britney Spears is similar. There are many out there who struggle. It is scary but I guess my point in this is that you are not alone and to understand me better.

People assume borderline's have no empathy and are manipulative. Any human being can be manipulative, lol. We are seen as selfish because we are focused on ourselves rather than others - because of all the crap we have to deal with. It is not that we are selfish but we find it difficult. Personally, I do my best to help others and try avoid my issues and to try to have a happy successful life. I do wish I was less pre-occupied with my mind though. I do sugar coat a lot of things. I could be much more "real" and tell everyone what really goes on in my mind during my bad days but I feel that would not be appropriate as it might be disturbing and triggering to other people and I do have a slight reputation I have to think about.

I hope this has given someone some insight. I am doing my best and hopefully if my career takes off I'll be able to reach a lot of people in a similar situation to myself.

One day at a time. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Wake up fresh and tackle each day as it comes. Live in the moment and realise that you are not alone.

E

Labels & Individuality

ADULT DISORDERS

Common Disorders

• Alcohol/Substance Abuse
• Alcohol/Substance Dependence
• Anorexia Nervosa
• Anxiety Disorders
• Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD/ADD)
• Bipolar Disorder
  • Major Depressive Episode
  • Hypomanic Episode
  • Manic Episode
  • Mixed Episode
• Bulimia Nervosa
• Depression
• Eating Disorders
• Generalized Anxiety Disorder
• Major Depressive Disorder
• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
• Panic Disorder
• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
• Schizophrenia
• Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
• Social Phobia (also known as Social Anxiety Disorder)

Dissociative Disorders

• Depersonalization Disorder
• Dissociative Amnesia
• Dissociative Fugue
• Dissociative Identity Disorder (MPD)
• Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (NOS) 

PERSONALITY DISORDERS

These disorders typically aren't diagnosed until an individual is a young adult, often not until their 20's or even 30's. Most individuals with personality disorders lead pretty normal lives and often only seek psychotherapeutic treatment during times of increased stress or social demands. Most people can relate to some or all of the personality traits listed; the difference is that it does not affect most people's daily functioning to the same degree it might someone diagnosed with one of these disorders. Personality disorders tend to be an intergral part of a person, and therefore, are difficult to treat or "cure." Learn more about personality disorders and personality traits...

• Antisocial Personality Disorder
• Avoidant Personality Disorder
• Borderline Personality Disorder
• Dependent Personality Disorder
• Histrionic Personality Disorder
• Multiple Personality Disorder, see Dissociative Identity Disorder
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder
• Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder
• Paranoid Personality Disorder
• Schizoid Personality Disorder
• Schizotypal Personality Disorder

.....You get the idea. There are so many labels out there (I only chose the most common to copy and paste) you can sometimes get lost in your diagnosis. I tend to prefer focusing on the individual rather than the label. That is the problem with some Psychiatrists. Either they know nothing about the "disorder" or assume that everyone diagnosed displays the same characteristics as the person next to them. 
Just a thought.

-E

What am I doing here? An insight into who I really am and my mission.

Wow.. I have not blogged a diary in years. I think since I was 19.


Anyhoo.... I am a singer/songwriter from London with the determination to make it worldwide. I have had 2 million song hits and profile views on Myspace, supporters around the world, been on radio etc... However, I also was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last October and regularly tweet on twitter about mental health problems and the problems that people face today.


Many people in the industry have BPD including Amy Winehouse (RIP).


I speak the truth.. from my heart and soul and hope to inspire those who are worse off than me that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.


There is huge stigma facing mental health today especially in the work environment. People do not tend to understand and the term "crazy" has been around for centuries and I don't see it going away any time soon. There is a huge difference between someone being locked up for losing their mind and stabbing ten people and someone who suffers from treatable depression, anxiety, BPD or bipolar. The stigma needs to be removed. It can be scary for others. They think.. should I be friends with somebody who is "unstable" or has a "history" of mental illness even if they seem "normal" today? Should I tread carefully or walk on eggshells around them and treat them different? Should I ask them what those lines are on their arms? People find it difficult to cope and some people find it completely alien to deal with something as simple as even mild depression. When I was explaining some things that I have been through and go through to a particular person they were literally speechless and said they've never ever come across someone who even has mild depression and came up with certain sayings such as "be positive" or "you seem normal". It was so alien to him.. where as his point of view is so alien to me. Funny how different and complex two human minds can work in the same room.


When I was 17 years old I had a breakdown and ended up being hospitalised. I always had difficulties at school and with my Father. Never loved by my Father even though I tried my hardest for him to love me, him telling me I was "fat, useless, couldn't sing" and would torment me over the slightest little things like "stealing" a piece of chocolate cake out of the fridge. I'd cry and ask him if he was happy doing this to me and if he cared about making me so upset and his simple response was; "No". I was bullied at school for being different and "weird" and slightly overweight. Too many adults still see bullying as "just part of being a kid," it is a serious problem that leads to many negative effects for victims, including suicide. Many people may not realise that there is also a link between being bullied and committing suicide. I had my share of self esteem issues that seemed to get worse. I do remember sitting in school at one point, probably about fourteen years old not being able to do any work.. sitting in the back of the classroom with a notepad and writing diary extracts how bad I used to feel about myself. Break time was an ordeal for me also. Hiding in the toilets eating lunch was a frequent occurrence.


My point is everything added up and when I was 17 I had a break down in the middle of London and panic overwhelmed me and I was on my way home from college and instead of it taking me 40 minutes to get home it took me three hours because I could not bring myself to getting on the train. All I could see was black and my mind was spinning. It was raining and I had no battery on my cell phone. I found a payphone and begged my Mother to pick me up. When she eventually got to me I was shaking so bad I had to be taken to a Doctor - a night visit and prescribed beta blockers. It was as if my mind snapped. Simply broke down. At the time I was in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist but we decided to cut all contact with them. I was simply to ill to leave the house. I spent the next month and a half with my mother locking the windows, hiding all the knives and hallucinating and self harming. We went to a new private shrink and after seeing me for the appointment he looked at me and said "Emma (my real name is Emma btw) you are very ill, you need to come in tonight". And that was it. I was admitted into a very nice private hospital in London at about 3000 pounds a week. In the first month I tried to make the most of it, tried to get on with other patients and have a laugh but I started to get worse. By the end of my stay in that hospital I was bed bound and had to have a nurse watch me at night as I was convinced there was a dead girl in my bathroom. My theory is that my mind broke down so badly that all my fears as a little girl resurfaced i.e. fear of the boogey man. It was terrible. I am getting to my point... honestly!


I was then transferred to an adolescent unit about an hour away and at that point I was self harming roughly about twelve times a day. This is where things started to change. Of course I eventually got better but now that my anxiety and mind was getting better all of my anger came out. Anger at the world, my Father (who I decided to cut out of my life after he sneered at my self harm wounds when he was FORCED to visit), anger at everybody and everything.


The mental health staff there were disgusting. This is getting to my point now. This was a private hospital, not an NHS one so this is MEANT to be better, right? Nope. I was treated like a caged animal. Whenever I would have a fit of rage or cry a nurse would come in my room and cross their arms and sneer down at me like I was some sort of retard. Then there was the nurse that I hated the most. He was a male nurse that in my opinion would bully the patients. There was a sweet anorexic girl there who was only 13 and one day we were all being poured out some diet coke and this nurse started laughing. I was very gobby back then so I asked him what was so hysterically funny and he looked at the anorexic girl and said "well she wouldn't want any...there are too many calories" and continued to laugh. I defended her and told him that there are no calories in diet coke, that's the point of it being DIET and told him he was a complete idiot.
The kids there were left with open wounds and not treated. My mother saw this when she visited and when asked the staff their theory was "They did it to themselves so they have to deal with it themselves". I was the oldest one there so I had the young ones come to me and I'd help them clean their wounds. When I was having a bad day one of the nurses said that if I don't behave myself they would take away my bed from me. I was smart though, I did not give into any of their rubbish and said "Go ahead take it away from me but you won't get away with it" and I wrote a letter to the head of the unit and this nurse was told to leave me alone. I was a pain in the ass to deal with. I had attitude and pain but I was treated like an animal and like a complete idiot and this is a GOOD hospital.
I remember when I didn't like something the floor manager would come up to my room with his crappy notepad and sarcastically say "So what changes do you want in the hospital" and pretend to take notes. I was very intelligent so I challenged them all and always won. That is why they didn't really like me there. Ha.


How I left.. well.. I was being threatened by one of the patients that he was going to stab me or something. Only a young kid about 15. I told the staff and they said just to ignore him. Well the day came where he grabbed me by my hair and poured a glass full of tobasco sauce into my face and I was temporarily blinded for 6 months. Naturally I called my Mother screaming and she decided to pull me out of there that night and take me to a specialist eye hospital. I wasn't committed or sectioned so I could leave when I wanted... sort of. That was how I left that place. I still remember the room, what it looked like.. the friends I made there and even the small fun times I had there.


My point - My point is that through my music and hopefully fame I want to campaign to change the entire mental health system and how it is done. These so called "staff" members need to be monitored better and more people need to speak up on how they are treated. I don't even want to think about the treatment in NHS places. Of course not all places are bad... I hope!! If I had the power I'd visit hospitals around the country... especially adolescent units and speak to the patients about how they are being treated, give talks about my experiences and inspire them that if I survived and I'm still here then anyone can do it. I want to put a smile on these kids faces and campaign and get the government to do something.. anything. I will not stop at anything. I also with to be the founder of a psychiatric hospital and if anything make sure everything is done properly in the one that I would pay for. These are big aspirations but like the saying goes "if there is a will... there is a way".


Today though the pain and the scars and suicide attempts I am here and wiser for it. My ability to understand the human mind is fantastic and my friends and supporters regularly say how I am an amazing "therapist" without the qualifications.


I still struggle today sometimes. My moods go up and down and some days I can want to hide in bed and be very emotionally unstable but am I getting help for it through the NHS now? None what-so-ever. Cant afford private care and the NHS has not even sent me a referral letter for specialised therapy since October 2011. Nothing. We have complained and complained.. nothing. The psychiatrists are useless. I can sit in a room and say "How are you today? Do you have thoughts of harming yourself"? until the cows come home. Completely useless. They have not reviewed my medication and if I were not as stable as I am now.. I could be dead. Fact. It is disgusting. This needs to be changed too.


I have found a lot of helpful resources online regarding depression and various disorders and reading and keeping focused is my therapy. The more I understand my diagnosis the more I can heal myself and in turn help other people.


I am much more stable now and holding down various jobs, focusing on my music and music only at the moment. I am 26 soon and because of my previous struggles I am not where I want to be with my music yet. For years I hated myself for it and thought of myself as a failure but I think tonight I have realised.. I never failed because I never gave up and I am still young, it is my time.. NOW. I just hope that in a few weeks time my mood won't turn for the worse and all this positivity will disappear. I have to be in control of my mind and not let myself.. for my supporters of my music and for my family and for myself.


My music has a strong message behind most songs.. that times are hard but you can get better.


It is my mission to be successful, stable and get justice.


If I can put a smile on one persons face because of my singing, my songs or if I made a difference then my work is complete.


Thank you for reading my story.

"We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light"

"When people believe in themselves they have the first secret of success"

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection."




Emj Taylor 2012.