"Emma you seem completely fine... you just need to relax.." :-)

 We all know that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder last year. I keep up appearances when I can, do my best to attend social functions and pursue my music career and do my best to stay motivated. However sometimes the facade is too tiring and I cannot be bothered to keep up appearances with people or the world and these are the days that I usually stay in bed or stay at home. It really made me think when a friend of mine said to me "In my opinion there is nothing wrong with you Emma.. it is all in your head". Well... exactly. Haha. Please do not assume that I enjoy all the problems that I suffer and enjoy saying there is something "wrong with me" but that is just the truth. I will always battle with issues but my aim is to help others and to help myself try to achieve something that is called "happiness". I would like to really explain some of the things I go through on a weekly basis for two reasons. One: To try to stamp out the stigma out there that people with this disorder are dangerous maniacs and don't know how to show empathy :-) and 2) To help others realise they are not alone and perhaps to make myself feel a bit better as I have had a hard two days. ;-) 

 Here are the symptoms you can find online:

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms 

For me personally I don't really relate to the first bullet point. Most borderlines do. I think through my years of rejection from my Father.. abusive boyfriends, bullying at school, etc I have built up such a strong defense mechanism to tell myself that "I do not need anyone and don't want anyone" so I avoid being attached to people rather than avoid them leaving me. On the other hand perhaps my issues are so deep that I fear abandonment so much that I built up this defense mechanism. I am not sure. I am still finding out. ;-)

Bullet point two. Unstable relationships and friendships. Indeed. I am the sort of person that seeks excitement and I do not like being bored. When I am in a relationship with someone or in a friendship with someone (it sounds awful) I sometimes get bored easily and turn off of them quite easily. I think I fall for someone but then suddenly I change my opinion of them and they just irritate me. Exactly what it says - changing from seeing you as my idol to seeing you as nothing. Obviously this doesn't happen all the time but I have been known to think this way. Why? I have no idea.

Identity disturbance - This is a big one for me. I believe I have body dysmorphia also. I am very overweight at the moment and currently on a diet program to lose around 8 stone. I have not always been overweight. When I was "thinner" I was much happier and more confident and didn't feel like the world was looking at the "fat ugly girl" walking down the street. For me it is the end of the world.. which stops me from going to functions and meeting up with people. I get panicky and can't look someone in the eye easily because I feel so disgusting on my bad days. Yesterday was one of these days. I woke up and looked in the mirror and I felt disgust. I looked at myself and literally looked twice the size as I did the day before. My eyes weren't straight, my cheeks were huge, everything unattractive and I'm a piece of shit. I just want to be beautiful is that too much to ask? I am not... yet there are some days where I look at the webcam pictures I've taken of myself and I think damn... I am attractive.. but isn't it a lie? All angles ? I don't know. I find it very difficult to know who I am and how I should act around certain people. Sometimes convinced that people will notice there is something wrong with me. These are the days that my head spins, I get paranoid and don't want to leave the house. I am still in that frame mind today but it's better than yesterday. I saw a therapist this morning and he said he has never met someone who is as hard on themselves as I am on myself. However last week I was feeling great, focused on music, focused on the diet program and looking good... feeling attractive and then BAM. Yep there ya go.

Impulsivity - Drinking too much, spending too much money without thinking about it, etc etc. Been prone to that too.

Suicidal Behaviors  - In the past very much so. I currently do not self harm anymore and help lots of people to recover online by sharing my experiences but when I was in my teens I would do it about 12x a day at my worst point.

Emotional Instability - Of course. I can be in a dream like state and feel very odd then a few days later be terribly irritable and pissed off at everybody and everything which tends to go alongside depression and feeling bad about myself. It is not the world I am angry with, it is the stuff that is going on inside my head that makes me stressed and irritable mainly. I just tend to blame everybody else instead. It makes me feel better. Ha! My mother today said when I asked her "is it like living with two different people"? she answered "No". I thought that was odd because for me I feel like two different people sometimes with the different shifts of perception and moods. She said that is the problem - people don't notice these shifts... they only notice your behavior and the way you act i.e if I'm being unpleasant suddenly for no reason, why I won't go to work, why I cheat on my diet, etc. I'm just seen as being a pain in the ass sometimes not that my mind and moods have shifted. I thought it was more obvious. Perhaps I hide it well.

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness - I've said this for years. No matter what I do or where I am, 90% of the time I have a feeling of a hole inside of me. I try to fill it with drink, relationships or previously doing very crazy stuff when I was younger (not going to discuss that here) or binge eating and drinking does fill it actually. For some reason only negative things can fill this void not positive things like my music. Again I am not sure why. I guess when I am in need of wanting to fill this void I don't want to do anything good for myself? Not sure. I really don't know.

Inappropriate displays of anger - Again going back to emotional instability... in the past I have had physical fights with people when I was younger though... long time ago not anymore and have been prone to taking a lot of rubbish from somebody and then snapping and being very nasty but not so much nowadays. I tend to just cut someone off to deal with it as I know that being nasty to someone is not nice and I should do my best to help others not be against others. ;-) 

Paranoid Thoughts - Sometimes. Usually after a horror movie. Dissociative feelings? Yeah.. like I'm watching the world go by from some sort of bubble. Not sure.


Now see....after reading all of that you are probably thinking - damn, there is a lot that goes inside her head.

However if you didn't know this about me you wouldn't know any of this was going on. That is the beauty of it. Sufferer in silence? Not anymore. I am doing the best to get the correct therapies advised and do my best to focus on my career and plans and to fulfill all of my plans I wrote about in my first every blog titled "An insight into who I am".

Amy Winehouse had the same disorder as me. Britney Spears is similar. There are many out there who struggle. It is scary but I guess my point in this is that you are not alone and to understand me better.

People assume borderline's have no empathy and are manipulative. Any human being can be manipulative, lol. We are seen as selfish because we are focused on ourselves rather than others - because of all the crap we have to deal with. It is not that we are selfish but we find it difficult. Personally, I do my best to help others and try avoid my issues and to try to have a happy successful life. I do wish I was less pre-occupied with my mind though. I do sugar coat a lot of things. I could be much more "real" and tell everyone what really goes on in my mind during my bad days but I feel that would not be appropriate as it might be disturbing and triggering to other people and I do have a slight reputation I have to think about.

I hope this has given someone some insight. I am doing my best and hopefully if my career takes off I'll be able to reach a lot of people in a similar situation to myself.

One day at a time. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Wake up fresh and tackle each day as it comes. Live in the moment and realise that you are not alone.

E