Stuck in a rut?

You only have one life. I have learnt recently that you need to
stop moaning and complaining about how depressed or alone you are. All it does is keep you in that same old rut. I'm alone with no boyfriend, no one to love me in that department and I've learnt to live with it and focus on my friends that I've had to actually go and GET and FIND most of the time. You are never too old to change your life and its direction.
Go back to study, go to social events to meet friends, searching for "the one" drove me crazy for years and made me miserable as hell. I'd often punish myself over not having someone, too. I don't do this anymore. I dedicate my life to making myself happy and others around me happy and if it happens it happens. First and foremost you have to learn how to be happy and let go of any past and previous hatred you may have.
Forgive those who slated you or abused you in some cases, let their name be but a memory. You only have yourself at the end of the day so it is up to you to help yourself. If you have depression, you must just decide to let go. Let go of all the pain. Does it really matter anyway? Some people don't even have limbs and they raced in the Paralympics ;-) it is all in your mind and how you perceive a situation. For me, I'm aware that drinking and partying too much re-ignites my bipolar and personality disorder so it's up to ME to step back, notice when it's going over board and become
Tee total for a month or
So... Which is what I'm doing at the moment. Week and a half so far. Be responsible , take your medication which works for you and realise that you can do anything. It's all in the mind.
This is why I want to become a psychiatrist as well as a well known singer.. Because
I've been there and understand how hard life can be.
If you are given a bad hand in life or a situation... Take a moment to reflect.. How can it get better? Maybe you're associating with the wrong crowd and they're doing you no good.. Perhaps you're in a relationship which depresses you because he/she always is criticising you. There is always a way out. A way for a more balanced healthier state of mind. I relapsed in self harming 10 days ago. Why? Because things got on top of me and I was pressurising myself too much and hanging with some bad people these past few weeks. So what have I done... ? I've been depressed and hardly come out of my room all week and allowed myself a break which is fine of course but now it's time to remember..: just relax, take it easy, do what you love to do, you can do it. Smile and let go of anger and hatred.
Let go of stress and just relax and move forward. I write this because I see so much anger on face book at the moment from a lot of people and a lot of people complaining about how shit their life is... Mine has been HELL.... But has it really? Ill leave you with that.
EMJ :-)

Dealing With A Relapse

First of all: Relapses can be upsetting, but it is important to remember that a relapse does not mean that you have gone back to the beginning. It simply means that you have experienced a symptom of your existing BPD, maybe one that you had not experienced for a while. 

For people with a history of depression or bipolar disorder, the risk of relapse looms like a cloud over their lives, threatening to separate them from their work, relationships, even their children. Stress, sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts, and stopping treatment are among the most common relapse triggers.

The National Mental Health Information Center at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services lists numerous triggers. Here are five:

• Interpersonal friction
• Feeling overwhelmed or having too much to do
• Being judged or criticized
• Ending a relationship
• Physical illness

For me..... I am feeling interpersonal friction with my Mother.. she has been irritating me like mad lately. I should understand that she is actually the person that has saved me during my illness so I should be thankful, she is a wonderful mother and give her some slack.
I am feeling overwhelmed and like I have failed again... hence probably why I have been drinking a bit more lately. I am feeling overwhelmed about having to lose weight, my singing career and the fact that I believe I am not a very good singer at the moment and my voice is kinda crap (which on recordings it's not LOL)

Ok. Right. Let's be rational.

You have more friends now than you have than ever, you have been going out more than ever, you have been seriously ill and have been doing brilliantly considering the NHS has left you with nothing including having no current psychiatrist, you ARE on a course for psychology so that is a step in the direction to your goal of becoming a psychiatrist. My goals have changed. I don't need fame to be happy. I don't need to be a size 0 to be happy and I don't need to beat myself up for being me. Being me is alright and being happy is what I focus on. Being a psychiatrist is what you need to focus on. Is there anything to really be angry or sad about? No.
There is stress about your ex's, yes but that is the past and you need to keep the door closed.
Cool. Note taken. Thanks to me for reminding myself. 


Right... so my strategy for feeling better...... is...

Ask yourself what you actually have, what you want to do, what you're doing for it... and what small steps you can take towards what you want to do.. don't hate yourself for not doing it yet. There is always tomorrow and the future to do what you want / love to do. You can do it. Have faith in yourself and make sure you smile. 
Try not to mask your sadness by drinking (I am guilty) or by drugs (not guilty) or other ways and live in the moment. 

That's all for now. :-)


EMJ

From The Borderline's Perspective.

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/personalitydisorders/personalitydisordersfacts.aspx 

Personality Disorder key facts. It is my mission to be behind a cure for personality disorders. Borderline or Emotionally Unstable is the most common whereas the other types if not treated can lead to criminal

behaviours and death. 

There is too much stigma around these disorders too. People with these disorders are misunderstood and are not "evil" like some archaic media people portray them as. The bad things happen as a result of not being treated and as a result of abuse or neglect usually in childhood. Not always. I have not studied these disorders I only speak from personal experience from suffering from Borderline aka emotionally unstable personality disorder. All my actions and previous actions make sense to me now. I am a different person now because of it. People with BPD tend to self harm in various ways be it with abusive men or over eating or starvation, self mutilation, drinking too much or other ways in order to cope with the void of emptiness inside us. Provocative behaviour such as flirtation can be done also not in a bid for attention but in order to feel acceptance or self worth. When someone leaves there might be tendencies to do anything to try to stop them from leaving. Or there might be times when you punish yourself for someone suddenly changing towards you. I remember when I used to starve and purge if a guy didn't want me back when I was in my early 20s. Hair pulling as a child can be a warning sign to developing some type of disorder too due to the severity of stress or anxiety the child is going through. 

Not being heard or taken seriously is a key factor too. This can spiral down into the sufferer feeling more isolated and alone and can spark off rage and intense emotions. Sometimes a simple "I'm listening to you and I'm taking on board everything you're saying" can be a huge help. 

I have been through everything of the above. I now notice my behaviour patterns and do not do these things anymore. Learning to self love and self soothe is the key. I hope this has brought some insight. 

Imagine me in 15 years when I am a psychiatrist... I'm good at being insightful now imagine what I will be then! 

There is hope. 

Best,

Emma. 

September 2012

 Quick message...

Lots of stuff has happened. Been in hospital for 2 months after suffering another breakdown...
Out now and have learnt a lot.  Am much happier and going back to studying to become a psychiatrist. Going to continue with the music also...
Will post a proper update about what actually happened to me soon and how I have changed and
What I have learnt. Cheers ....

Thoughts..

I must be very careful what I post online. A friend of mine said to me that because I am trying to get a record deal I must not post too many personal things online. That is very true. That kinda sucks.

Anyway I seem to be doing better from my previous post. I apologise for the negativity. It is not the image I wish to create for myself. I am also 8lbs down in weightloss in five days which is impressive so am feeling good things are happening. I have written some amazing new songs in the past few weeks that I am waiting to complete and thanks to my supporters everywhere I can't wait to release them. They will be up on i-tunes to purchase. Yes it is about time I join i-tunes. Ha!

Many people come to me for advice on mental health issues but you must remember I am not a Doctor, I can only speak from my first hand experiences. This is a rather boring blog post but I thought it was worth an update to say that I seem to be doing better. The word "seem" is important as tomorrow or later on today I could feel the complete opposite. :)

New songs are epic, soooo excited!!

-E

A moment of weakness

Posting from my iPhone today. I have a lot going for me like thousands of fans of my music and family, amazing friends and a promising music career ahead of me yet I landed myself in hospital twice in the past two weeks. I have relapsed in self harming and instead of it being a one time thing I have continuous urges to carry on doing it. Not for "attention" or for reasons people assume. The reason why; I am in severe emotional pain at the moment where logic does not seem to come into it. Everything I said above I appreciate so much yet the voice inside my head tells me: Fat Unattractive Failure Alone forever Daddy didnt love me I mean jeeze.. It's been years already. Why can I not seem to get over this man? So what my dad didn't love me as a kid and mentally abused me telling me I couldn't sing , that I was nothing, that I was fat and stupid. I'm an adult now.. What is the deal? Failure in regards to my career. I'm 26 soon and that's just not good enough. I should, I must, I ought -- these are all negative words that I've learnt from cognitive behavioral therapy do not work in your favor. However I have these deep routed thoughts that because I haven't made it yet I've failed. It is my illness that has stopped me from being a success so far and like I said I have supporters worldwide that are rooting for me and I feel I've failed them also. My illness is not me. It is a part of me but not me You must remember that mental illness can't usually be seen. Whereas a broken leg can be seen and the broken leg isn't YOU, it's just a particular part of you that is broken. Very much the same with mental illness. I had these crazy rules I must live by in order to feel self worth. Previously: I must not eat or restrict , I must appear beautiful at all times, I must not fail in my music, I must prove to myself that I'm attractive by sleeping with married men to prove a point. Been though all of that and learnt things the hard way. The NHS doesn't take you seriously in the uk. Back in the day when I had private healthcare I could get my meds reviewed straight away, go into a unit if needed for a while but we just can't afford 2000 quid a week anymore and 140 pound therapy sessions so I've literally got no support apart from myself family fans etc but I'm talking professional support. The therapy that could potentially save my life will take 18 months max to wait for. What if I go crazy before then? Ha. I'm trying to resist urges and remain strong but whT scares me is how dark my thinking can get. When I was in hospital on Friday morning I was being abusive to te staff one minute, apologetic the next, running away the next and hiding, saying I want a gun etc. It scares me. Where does this come from and why do I think so low of myself? I can't figure it out I honestly can't. It saddens me. The constant void i feel is exhausting and at the moment I'm simply just tired. I'm forcing myself to keep focused on the amazing ;) new songs I've written and hope for my career and to inspire people. Ironic I've helped over 1000 teens stop self harming and here I am again. Failed them and my people. However rationally we are all entitled to not having to be strong all the time. I'm putting myself out there in the entertainment world with this blog and the truth. I'm Not ashamed and i want to get better as I really don't want to be one of the 10% of borderlines that Commit suicide. Music and supporters save me. I love them and remember my illness is not me... I just am wounded invisibly and need love and kindness and want to one day in the next Few years have a hit album and speak worldwide about mental health and how one CAN get better. That's my goal anyway. I am afraid at the moment though. I guess which is understandable. Love and Light. E

"Emma you seem completely fine... you just need to relax.." :-)

 We all know that I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder last year. I keep up appearances when I can, do my best to attend social functions and pursue my music career and do my best to stay motivated. However sometimes the facade is too tiring and I cannot be bothered to keep up appearances with people or the world and these are the days that I usually stay in bed or stay at home. It really made me think when a friend of mine said to me "In my opinion there is nothing wrong with you Emma.. it is all in your head". Well... exactly. Haha. Please do not assume that I enjoy all the problems that I suffer and enjoy saying there is something "wrong with me" but that is just the truth. I will always battle with issues but my aim is to help others and to help myself try to achieve something that is called "happiness". I would like to really explain some of the things I go through on a weekly basis for two reasons. One: To try to stamp out the stigma out there that people with this disorder are dangerous maniacs and don't know how to show empathy :-) and 2) To help others realise they are not alone and perhaps to make myself feel a bit better as I have had a hard two days. ;-) 

 Here are the symptoms you can find online:

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms 

For me personally I don't really relate to the first bullet point. Most borderlines do. I think through my years of rejection from my Father.. abusive boyfriends, bullying at school, etc I have built up such a strong defense mechanism to tell myself that "I do not need anyone and don't want anyone" so I avoid being attached to people rather than avoid them leaving me. On the other hand perhaps my issues are so deep that I fear abandonment so much that I built up this defense mechanism. I am not sure. I am still finding out. ;-)

Bullet point two. Unstable relationships and friendships. Indeed. I am the sort of person that seeks excitement and I do not like being bored. When I am in a relationship with someone or in a friendship with someone (it sounds awful) I sometimes get bored easily and turn off of them quite easily. I think I fall for someone but then suddenly I change my opinion of them and they just irritate me. Exactly what it says - changing from seeing you as my idol to seeing you as nothing. Obviously this doesn't happen all the time but I have been known to think this way. Why? I have no idea.

Identity disturbance - This is a big one for me. I believe I have body dysmorphia also. I am very overweight at the moment and currently on a diet program to lose around 8 stone. I have not always been overweight. When I was "thinner" I was much happier and more confident and didn't feel like the world was looking at the "fat ugly girl" walking down the street. For me it is the end of the world.. which stops me from going to functions and meeting up with people. I get panicky and can't look someone in the eye easily because I feel so disgusting on my bad days. Yesterday was one of these days. I woke up and looked in the mirror and I felt disgust. I looked at myself and literally looked twice the size as I did the day before. My eyes weren't straight, my cheeks were huge, everything unattractive and I'm a piece of shit. I just want to be beautiful is that too much to ask? I am not... yet there are some days where I look at the webcam pictures I've taken of myself and I think damn... I am attractive.. but isn't it a lie? All angles ? I don't know. I find it very difficult to know who I am and how I should act around certain people. Sometimes convinced that people will notice there is something wrong with me. These are the days that my head spins, I get paranoid and don't want to leave the house. I am still in that frame mind today but it's better than yesterday. I saw a therapist this morning and he said he has never met someone who is as hard on themselves as I am on myself. However last week I was feeling great, focused on music, focused on the diet program and looking good... feeling attractive and then BAM. Yep there ya go.

Impulsivity - Drinking too much, spending too much money without thinking about it, etc etc. Been prone to that too.

Suicidal Behaviors  - In the past very much so. I currently do not self harm anymore and help lots of people to recover online by sharing my experiences but when I was in my teens I would do it about 12x a day at my worst point.

Emotional Instability - Of course. I can be in a dream like state and feel very odd then a few days later be terribly irritable and pissed off at everybody and everything which tends to go alongside depression and feeling bad about myself. It is not the world I am angry with, it is the stuff that is going on inside my head that makes me stressed and irritable mainly. I just tend to blame everybody else instead. It makes me feel better. Ha! My mother today said when I asked her "is it like living with two different people"? she answered "No". I thought that was odd because for me I feel like two different people sometimes with the different shifts of perception and moods. She said that is the problem - people don't notice these shifts... they only notice your behavior and the way you act i.e if I'm being unpleasant suddenly for no reason, why I won't go to work, why I cheat on my diet, etc. I'm just seen as being a pain in the ass sometimes not that my mind and moods have shifted. I thought it was more obvious. Perhaps I hide it well.

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness - I've said this for years. No matter what I do or where I am, 90% of the time I have a feeling of a hole inside of me. I try to fill it with drink, relationships or previously doing very crazy stuff when I was younger (not going to discuss that here) or binge eating and drinking does fill it actually. For some reason only negative things can fill this void not positive things like my music. Again I am not sure why. I guess when I am in need of wanting to fill this void I don't want to do anything good for myself? Not sure. I really don't know.

Inappropriate displays of anger - Again going back to emotional instability... in the past I have had physical fights with people when I was younger though... long time ago not anymore and have been prone to taking a lot of rubbish from somebody and then snapping and being very nasty but not so much nowadays. I tend to just cut someone off to deal with it as I know that being nasty to someone is not nice and I should do my best to help others not be against others. ;-) 

Paranoid Thoughts - Sometimes. Usually after a horror movie. Dissociative feelings? Yeah.. like I'm watching the world go by from some sort of bubble. Not sure.


Now see....after reading all of that you are probably thinking - damn, there is a lot that goes inside her head.

However if you didn't know this about me you wouldn't know any of this was going on. That is the beauty of it. Sufferer in silence? Not anymore. I am doing the best to get the correct therapies advised and do my best to focus on my career and plans and to fulfill all of my plans I wrote about in my first every blog titled "An insight into who I am".

Amy Winehouse had the same disorder as me. Britney Spears is similar. There are many out there who struggle. It is scary but I guess my point in this is that you are not alone and to understand me better.

People assume borderline's have no empathy and are manipulative. Any human being can be manipulative, lol. We are seen as selfish because we are focused on ourselves rather than others - because of all the crap we have to deal with. It is not that we are selfish but we find it difficult. Personally, I do my best to help others and try avoid my issues and to try to have a happy successful life. I do wish I was less pre-occupied with my mind though. I do sugar coat a lot of things. I could be much more "real" and tell everyone what really goes on in my mind during my bad days but I feel that would not be appropriate as it might be disturbing and triggering to other people and I do have a slight reputation I have to think about.

I hope this has given someone some insight. I am doing my best and hopefully if my career takes off I'll be able to reach a lot of people in a similar situation to myself.

One day at a time. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Wake up fresh and tackle each day as it comes. Live in the moment and realise that you are not alone.

E