A moment of weakness

Posting from my iPhone today. I have a lot going for me like thousands of fans of my music and family, amazing friends and a promising music career ahead of me yet I landed myself in hospital twice in the past two weeks. I have relapsed in self harming and instead of it being a one time thing I have continuous urges to carry on doing it. Not for "attention" or for reasons people assume. The reason why; I am in severe emotional pain at the moment where logic does not seem to come into it. Everything I said above I appreciate so much yet the voice inside my head tells me: Fat Unattractive Failure Alone forever Daddy didnt love me I mean jeeze.. It's been years already. Why can I not seem to get over this man? So what my dad didn't love me as a kid and mentally abused me telling me I couldn't sing , that I was nothing, that I was fat and stupid. I'm an adult now.. What is the deal? Failure in regards to my career. I'm 26 soon and that's just not good enough. I should, I must, I ought -- these are all negative words that I've learnt from cognitive behavioral therapy do not work in your favor. However I have these deep routed thoughts that because I haven't made it yet I've failed. It is my illness that has stopped me from being a success so far and like I said I have supporters worldwide that are rooting for me and I feel I've failed them also. My illness is not me. It is a part of me but not me You must remember that mental illness can't usually be seen. Whereas a broken leg can be seen and the broken leg isn't YOU, it's just a particular part of you that is broken. Very much the same with mental illness. I had these crazy rules I must live by in order to feel self worth. Previously: I must not eat or restrict , I must appear beautiful at all times, I must not fail in my music, I must prove to myself that I'm attractive by sleeping with married men to prove a point. Been though all of that and learnt things the hard way. The NHS doesn't take you seriously in the uk. Back in the day when I had private healthcare I could get my meds reviewed straight away, go into a unit if needed for a while but we just can't afford 2000 quid a week anymore and 140 pound therapy sessions so I've literally got no support apart from myself family fans etc but I'm talking professional support. The therapy that could potentially save my life will take 18 months max to wait for. What if I go crazy before then? Ha. I'm trying to resist urges and remain strong but whT scares me is how dark my thinking can get. When I was in hospital on Friday morning I was being abusive to te staff one minute, apologetic the next, running away the next and hiding, saying I want a gun etc. It scares me. Where does this come from and why do I think so low of myself? I can't figure it out I honestly can't. It saddens me. The constant void i feel is exhausting and at the moment I'm simply just tired. I'm forcing myself to keep focused on the amazing ;) new songs I've written and hope for my career and to inspire people. Ironic I've helped over 1000 teens stop self harming and here I am again. Failed them and my people. However rationally we are all entitled to not having to be strong all the time. I'm putting myself out there in the entertainment world with this blog and the truth. I'm Not ashamed and i want to get better as I really don't want to be one of the 10% of borderlines that Commit suicide. Music and supporters save me. I love them and remember my illness is not me... I just am wounded invisibly and need love and kindness and want to one day in the next Few years have a hit album and speak worldwide about mental health and how one CAN get better. That's my goal anyway. I am afraid at the moment though. I guess which is understandable. Love and Light. E