What am I doing here? An insight into who I really am and my mission.

Wow.. I have not blogged a diary in years. I think since I was 19.


Anyhoo.... I am a singer/songwriter from London with the determination to make it worldwide. I have had 2 million song hits and profile views on Myspace, supporters around the world, been on radio etc... However, I also was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last October and regularly tweet on twitter about mental health problems and the problems that people face today.


Many people in the industry have BPD including Amy Winehouse (RIP).


I speak the truth.. from my heart and soul and hope to inspire those who are worse off than me that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.


There is huge stigma facing mental health today especially in the work environment. People do not tend to understand and the term "crazy" has been around for centuries and I don't see it going away any time soon. There is a huge difference between someone being locked up for losing their mind and stabbing ten people and someone who suffers from treatable depression, anxiety, BPD or bipolar. The stigma needs to be removed. It can be scary for others. They think.. should I be friends with somebody who is "unstable" or has a "history" of mental illness even if they seem "normal" today? Should I tread carefully or walk on eggshells around them and treat them different? Should I ask them what those lines are on their arms? People find it difficult to cope and some people find it completely alien to deal with something as simple as even mild depression. When I was explaining some things that I have been through and go through to a particular person they were literally speechless and said they've never ever come across someone who even has mild depression and came up with certain sayings such as "be positive" or "you seem normal". It was so alien to him.. where as his point of view is so alien to me. Funny how different and complex two human minds can work in the same room.


When I was 17 years old I had a breakdown and ended up being hospitalised. I always had difficulties at school and with my Father. Never loved by my Father even though I tried my hardest for him to love me, him telling me I was "fat, useless, couldn't sing" and would torment me over the slightest little things like "stealing" a piece of chocolate cake out of the fridge. I'd cry and ask him if he was happy doing this to me and if he cared about making me so upset and his simple response was; "No". I was bullied at school for being different and "weird" and slightly overweight. Too many adults still see bullying as "just part of being a kid," it is a serious problem that leads to many negative effects for victims, including suicide. Many people may not realise that there is also a link between being bullied and committing suicide. I had my share of self esteem issues that seemed to get worse. I do remember sitting in school at one point, probably about fourteen years old not being able to do any work.. sitting in the back of the classroom with a notepad and writing diary extracts how bad I used to feel about myself. Break time was an ordeal for me also. Hiding in the toilets eating lunch was a frequent occurrence.


My point is everything added up and when I was 17 I had a break down in the middle of London and panic overwhelmed me and I was on my way home from college and instead of it taking me 40 minutes to get home it took me three hours because I could not bring myself to getting on the train. All I could see was black and my mind was spinning. It was raining and I had no battery on my cell phone. I found a payphone and begged my Mother to pick me up. When she eventually got to me I was shaking so bad I had to be taken to a Doctor - a night visit and prescribed beta blockers. It was as if my mind snapped. Simply broke down. At the time I was in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist but we decided to cut all contact with them. I was simply to ill to leave the house. I spent the next month and a half with my mother locking the windows, hiding all the knives and hallucinating and self harming. We went to a new private shrink and after seeing me for the appointment he looked at me and said "Emma (my real name is Emma btw) you are very ill, you need to come in tonight". And that was it. I was admitted into a very nice private hospital in London at about 3000 pounds a week. In the first month I tried to make the most of it, tried to get on with other patients and have a laugh but I started to get worse. By the end of my stay in that hospital I was bed bound and had to have a nurse watch me at night as I was convinced there was a dead girl in my bathroom. My theory is that my mind broke down so badly that all my fears as a little girl resurfaced i.e. fear of the boogey man. It was terrible. I am getting to my point... honestly!


I was then transferred to an adolescent unit about an hour away and at that point I was self harming roughly about twelve times a day. This is where things started to change. Of course I eventually got better but now that my anxiety and mind was getting better all of my anger came out. Anger at the world, my Father (who I decided to cut out of my life after he sneered at my self harm wounds when he was FORCED to visit), anger at everybody and everything.


The mental health staff there were disgusting. This is getting to my point now. This was a private hospital, not an NHS one so this is MEANT to be better, right? Nope. I was treated like a caged animal. Whenever I would have a fit of rage or cry a nurse would come in my room and cross their arms and sneer down at me like I was some sort of retard. Then there was the nurse that I hated the most. He was a male nurse that in my opinion would bully the patients. There was a sweet anorexic girl there who was only 13 and one day we were all being poured out some diet coke and this nurse started laughing. I was very gobby back then so I asked him what was so hysterically funny and he looked at the anorexic girl and said "well she wouldn't want any...there are too many calories" and continued to laugh. I defended her and told him that there are no calories in diet coke, that's the point of it being DIET and told him he was a complete idiot.
The kids there were left with open wounds and not treated. My mother saw this when she visited and when asked the staff their theory was "They did it to themselves so they have to deal with it themselves". I was the oldest one there so I had the young ones come to me and I'd help them clean their wounds. When I was having a bad day one of the nurses said that if I don't behave myself they would take away my bed from me. I was smart though, I did not give into any of their rubbish and said "Go ahead take it away from me but you won't get away with it" and I wrote a letter to the head of the unit and this nurse was told to leave me alone. I was a pain in the ass to deal with. I had attitude and pain but I was treated like an animal and like a complete idiot and this is a GOOD hospital.
I remember when I didn't like something the floor manager would come up to my room with his crappy notepad and sarcastically say "So what changes do you want in the hospital" and pretend to take notes. I was very intelligent so I challenged them all and always won. That is why they didn't really like me there. Ha.


How I left.. well.. I was being threatened by one of the patients that he was going to stab me or something. Only a young kid about 15. I told the staff and they said just to ignore him. Well the day came where he grabbed me by my hair and poured a glass full of tobasco sauce into my face and I was temporarily blinded for 6 months. Naturally I called my Mother screaming and she decided to pull me out of there that night and take me to a specialist eye hospital. I wasn't committed or sectioned so I could leave when I wanted... sort of. That was how I left that place. I still remember the room, what it looked like.. the friends I made there and even the small fun times I had there.


My point - My point is that through my music and hopefully fame I want to campaign to change the entire mental health system and how it is done. These so called "staff" members need to be monitored better and more people need to speak up on how they are treated. I don't even want to think about the treatment in NHS places. Of course not all places are bad... I hope!! If I had the power I'd visit hospitals around the country... especially adolescent units and speak to the patients about how they are being treated, give talks about my experiences and inspire them that if I survived and I'm still here then anyone can do it. I want to put a smile on these kids faces and campaign and get the government to do something.. anything. I will not stop at anything. I also with to be the founder of a psychiatric hospital and if anything make sure everything is done properly in the one that I would pay for. These are big aspirations but like the saying goes "if there is a will... there is a way".


Today though the pain and the scars and suicide attempts I am here and wiser for it. My ability to understand the human mind is fantastic and my friends and supporters regularly say how I am an amazing "therapist" without the qualifications.


I still struggle today sometimes. My moods go up and down and some days I can want to hide in bed and be very emotionally unstable but am I getting help for it through the NHS now? None what-so-ever. Cant afford private care and the NHS has not even sent me a referral letter for specialised therapy since October 2011. Nothing. We have complained and complained.. nothing. The psychiatrists are useless. I can sit in a room and say "How are you today? Do you have thoughts of harming yourself"? until the cows come home. Completely useless. They have not reviewed my medication and if I were not as stable as I am now.. I could be dead. Fact. It is disgusting. This needs to be changed too.


I have found a lot of helpful resources online regarding depression and various disorders and reading and keeping focused is my therapy. The more I understand my diagnosis the more I can heal myself and in turn help other people.


I am much more stable now and holding down various jobs, focusing on my music and music only at the moment. I am 26 soon and because of my previous struggles I am not where I want to be with my music yet. For years I hated myself for it and thought of myself as a failure but I think tonight I have realised.. I never failed because I never gave up and I am still young, it is my time.. NOW. I just hope that in a few weeks time my mood won't turn for the worse and all this positivity will disappear. I have to be in control of my mind and not let myself.. for my supporters of my music and for my family and for myself.


My music has a strong message behind most songs.. that times are hard but you can get better.


It is my mission to be successful, stable and get justice.


If I can put a smile on one persons face because of my singing, my songs or if I made a difference then my work is complete.


Thank you for reading my story.

"We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light"

"When people believe in themselves they have the first secret of success"

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection."




Emj Taylor 2012.